Channeled Poetry 1993 to 2002

These are poems I channeled between 1993 and 2002.  The process I used was to allow words to flow from a subconscious place, without choosing a topic in advance.  I would later come to call this “channeling”, but at the time, I had no reference for defining it other than my experience using the ouija board or automatic writing.

I applied the same technique in writing my poetry as I used with automatic writing which I could only describe as a method of accessing my psychic abilities or my deeper artistic consciousness.  As I read them now, I see signs of my channeling skills developing!  I recognize the style of speech used by the guides, and I can feel my twin flame getting a word in, from time to time.  It’s comforting to know they were always with me, and that a part of me knew and subconsciously found a way to communicate.

I have kept these pages with me all these years, and have now scanned and transcribed them.  The dates weren’t always included, and only a few had titles, so I’ve just recorded what was written, as purely as possible.  See examples of some of these scanned pages at the end.

Enjoy!

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December 31, 1994

PASSING FIRE
Fly man, fly!
It closes your mind.
Maybe gone.
Might be good
Right now.
May land alone,

You know.

Come talk, man.
You don’t have to make sense;
If you know, let it have you.

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Slow and easy into your throne.
The magician appears to sell you a stone.
There’s one for the river,
And one for the shore,
But there will be one too many
When she knocks at your door.
Flying through the black and gold.
A beautiful journey for a mind to behold.
Let’s control the world today 
Before the stone is washed away.
Before your pleasant field has fallen,
The ground will open to hear you calling.
So, let’s be rulers while we can.
We know we’re losers in the end.

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Fabulous scented sickness.
The black fire bites her skin.
The yearning is fierce but can’t be let in.
Smoldering with heat and sweat,
It’s the only death she wishes for:
A death with a dry mind but a hungry belt,
And a death that will take her like a heart half-felt.

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Whisper it to me but

Close your eyes so you only breathe in and out.
Speak it softly.
Taste it deeply.
In and up throughout my moist, quiet throat.

See what your eyes never could
And hold yourself there.
It’s a minute to savour a second.
So, tell it to me again.
You’ll see no better way.

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I’ve learned it from you.
Eggs and slides on the way to the moon.
The only way for you is by train.
After all that’s been torn and glued to the walls, it’s made you hungry, but eating can’t replenish.
I’ve seen you before: You were in my dream with the little girl and her trumpet!
The song is always for you.
It’s a song I always know but never remember:
It won’t stay inside.
Something has drained me and my flesh is cracked.  The pieces that drop become droplets of acid rain.
You call out and you crawl to the door.
There’s no way out; only a spot on the pavement or a white line on the rug will make you all understand.
I’ve taped it all and my song was the sign.
My song is with me now and finally with all of you.

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Oceans of paper fill my mouth.
Fantastic obsession,
Constantly growing compression.
Balls of thread and chalk are full in my throat,
Pushing on the back of my teeth.
The paper cuts my tongue and slides up
Toward my eyes.
They yawn and take in too much.
It’s dangerous here.
I hold my mouth, close it tight.
Tapping and ringing in my skull.
The soothing roar inside teaches me
To detest the silence surrounding me.
Existence is breathing.
My bleeding tongue curls up around my neck and around my hands.
The paper soon spreads throughout.
Ivory and water melt into the blackness of my sky.
Incomplete and out of breath, I still go on, floating through the oceans as my roar guides me along through my divided attention.

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September 4, 1994 11:30pm
I scolded the fish for her mistakes.
A slumbering fleshy fantasy
All wrapped up in gutterflies.
That’s what she sees and she picks the words.
Carefully devised plans of escape,
Separation.  Let me OUT OUT OUT.
Unusual.  Unique celebration of
Oneness.  Alone and in
Love.  In love with wonder.

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September 4, 1994 3:27am
New and strange.  Peaceful, alone, I am.  I.
Am I just a big eye watching everything and taking notes on how to act and react?
I want to be a little “i” so I can close when things get too boring and won’t flinch when someone says “Weird!”
“i” would have the most fun being small and out of the way in my weirdness.  “i” don’t want to fit in, so being “i” will keep I’s away and “i” can be unique in my solitude.  “I” would smile more and learn to live alone.  I like “I”.

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September 6, 1994 11:21pm
I don’t know.  Maybe I should give in.
Always take the easy way out, hey?
Why?  Too lazy to fight.  There’s GOT TO BE a new me; a new I.
A new I to look at people in a new way.
Maybe they’re not all in a trance of no return.  There may still be hope to Be DIFFERENT.

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TOUR OF THE MIND.  ONE YOU CAN DISCOVER.  YOURS TO WHALE AND SWALLOW BUT ALWAYS NEED MORE.  A STRENGTH TOO HEAVY TO IGNORE.  PULLS YOU BACK UNTIL YOU CAN’T ESCAPE ANYMORE.  A TRIP.  I’VE NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE.  TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND HOLD IT IN.  HOLD IT IN YOUR MIND AND DON’T FORGET.  THERE’S NOWHERE BETTER TO BE.

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A safe fountain with slowly seeping droplets.
Cover me with burning sensuality and furtive desire.  Come in when the ocean is low.
Quiet love release yourself and don’t hold back.
Pushing forward until the pleasure becomes pain.
But the pain is beautiful and the purpose keeps you going.

Taste of two in rhythm with time.  Glowing when you’re one.

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Throwing up a sudden ball of explosive anger and thunder-cut corner bats.
Meaning nothing and giving more.
Generosity is beautiful and leaves no reward.

Pushed to the earth and a cloud of dust for supper.

There is only one choice left to follow: The void to follow in a circle of fear.
Lead only by your inner senses and dumbfounded intelligence.
Too smart for this world.
Gotta go.

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November 15, 1994
One day, Horace the turtle ate a whole bar of soap.  It felt smooth and clean down his throat but slimy when it hit his stomach.  Horace often rode the freeway to work, all by himself.
(He was quite proud).
The freeway was a bubbly happy place to be.  Horace could go almost as fast as his car would go (He was scared to floor it).  But, Horace would drive alone after work so he had time to think in his own head before he went home to play his banjo or listen to the trees blow.  It often entered Horace’s head that a piece of cheese would be nice to chew on.  But for now, his old rubber hose would have to do.
Sometimes Horace felt disconnected from the whole world.  For days and even weeks at a time, Horace would talk to his friend Petunia; and only Petunia existed out there.  The chimps he lived with often hung out with apes and monkeys, and Horace never felt he belonged with that bunch.  Petunia was a nice connection to living and if it wasn’t for her and his banjo, Horace hated to imagine what might become of him.  He wondered, when he sped along the freeway, what happens when you die.  But mostly, dying didn’t scare Horace.
Horace mostly felt scared of what his mom and dad would think.  How would they explain it to his relatives?  “We never knew Horace liked to sing so much”, they would say.  And Horace did sing, of course the best when no one was around, but he did sing.
So now that Horace completed another energetic day of driving, thinking, having a nice nap, cleaning house, and thinking some more, he had a little piece of cheese, just to see how it tasted.  Oh, and for the first time, Horace smiled.  But it was a real smile!  It had been so long since he smiled when he was alone.  He was changing, maybe.  And maybe it was time.  After all, freeways do have traffic lights.
 

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SHUDDERED SHELTERED SMOTHERED BOTHERED BUGGED SCATTERED MOTHERED ANOTHER ANOTHER WAY.  ANOTHER CHANGE.  NO.  COLORED SPUTTERED SPATTERED SHATTERED DEAD.

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DREAM aka WHAT A PLEASANT DREAM
SILENCE PLEASE.
SHADOWS ON EVERY SIDE.
IMAGINE . . . 
WARM OCEAN WAVES
CARESS YOUR WAIST,
BUT ARE SOON TO BE REPLACED.
COLD SKIES FALL UPON YOU,
SEND YOU INTO ICY DEPTHS.
YOU SCRATCH THE FLOOR.
 
SILENCE PLEASE.  IMAGINE . . . 
YOU.  A WARM CRYSTAL OCEAN CARESSES YOUR WAIST.  SOFT GOLDEN RAIN EXPLORES YOUR FACE.
IT MOISTENS YOUR LIPS AND MAKES YOU TIRED.
IT FILLS YOU FULL WITH YOUR SWEETEST DESIRES.
AS YOU DRIFT WITH THE CURRENT,
AND YOU’RE HELD BY WAVES LIKE YOUR MOTHER’S ARMS,
YOU BEGIN TO CRY.
FEEL . . . WHAT IS REAL.
TRAPPED INSIDE CRYSTAL BLUE WALLS
TOGETHER WITH SILENCE AND ALONE WITH YOUR FEAR.


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April 5, 1995
The fastest one is the loser in this game.
It’s all the same when you’re on the outside.
But when you’re in, it’s like a fiery loaded eyeball
Ready to pop at the first sound of a smile.
I’m not here now, so don’t try to call.
It’s a waste of time.  It’s dice in the alley.
Fourth and away, I’m the last one to remain a part of the day.
So here; take this last grain.  Enjoy what’s left and think of all you lost.
Garbage is my brain and quiet in my heart.
I’m full of all that’s sweet but I’m sick with sweetness, full.  Fall.  It’s O.K.  It’ll all be O.K.. . . . in the end.

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April 5, 1995

Camera.  Snapshot of a secret that’s been told to everyone.
I can’t hold this anymore.
It’s a dark hallway to crawl down and I can’t hold this anymore.
Look in me.  Forget the fear and pain and take in the gorgeous field of thread.
I’ll give it all to you to be yours.
So, care for it.  Believe in everything I’ve said.  You’ll remember it; I promise.
So, love me.  Just love me; that’s all I ask.

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RUN THROUGH A MAZE OF RUBBER TOOTHPICKS.
A WEDDING WITH A PLASTIC KNIFE
AND A TURNING MAN CHEWING ON TUESDAY’S ANGRY HUSH.
BLOW AWAY THE CONCRETE.
SHUT OUT THE WORLD WITH AN EYELASH.
THERE’S NO FIGHT LEFT IN THE BULL
AND THE BABY’S FEET DANCE THROUGH THE ALLEY.
SELECTION AND SCREAMING PITCHFORKS
PROD AT YOUR BACK AND YOU SMILE.
THE PLEASURE COLLIDES WITH A MISTAKE AND
CREATES WINDBLOWN DECISIONS AND A SCARLET FACE.
COMPLETE FULFILLMENT AND EVERLASTING ECSTASY.
HUGGING THE NEEDLE AND YOU RUN INTO YOURSELF.
YOU DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE; WHAT WAS I THINKING?
OF COURSE, THEY SLEEP ON FOOT;
IT’S ALWAYS BEEN THE SAME.
TRAINS TRAVELING ON CHICKEN VEINS
INTO PRETTY TASTING BLOOD PUDDLES.
HIGH AND QUIET, BEYOND THE COTTONBALL WALLS,
THEY KEEP US INSIDE, SWIMMING THROUGH
MIRRORS AND CUBES OF BREATHLESSNESS.
YOU’RE AT HOME NOW WITH MAGIC MASSES OF
THUMBNAILS AND A ROLLING-PIN HAIRBRUSH.
DON’T BE AFRAID.  THERE YOU ARE; BESIDE
YOURSELF, LOOKING DOWN ON THE SUNDOGS.
SAY PLEASE BEFORE YOU SAY GOODBYE.

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January 10, 1995
I’m happy to be alive.
In this placid finicky world, nobody’s perfect.
Four times, he said.
It was the same for us both.
A reach.  A climb.
A pass of time was a curing thrust.
Exit now.
To a new side.  Exciting to discover.  Wanting more all too soon, but finding it worth waiting for.

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January 10, 1995
LOVE SCARE
Red.  Back on track.
The way of the buffalo
Is my fearful fact.
Holding on is a strain
Too good to let go of,
But too strong to stay.
It’s been fun.  Now
Fuck off.

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January 10, 1995

Boyfriend
Candles keep me quiet.
Close my busy brains.
Guard me from the pain
And let darkness fill the light.
Study what I see.
Look for a sign…
It all will be!
I’m his; he’s mine.


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CONFLICT
Facing forces of humanity.
The traces of lust are weaving with insecurity as I sit
At my window with pins in my thighs.
The truth is so near but it’s
Too hard to reach.
It’s almost time now.
Denial has been too easy. 
To forgive myself for the pain
I’ve cause and suffered
Is unavoidable.
Got to go back.  Got to
Relax.  I’m doing what’s
Right.  Honestly, I’m really
Doing what’s right, right?

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55 sorted pencils,
Please revive me.
Holding the

Limbo in one

Breath.

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January 29, 1997
Bitterness.  Long piece of fleshy tender skin
Urges the lustful journey.
Purple nightmare like a cloudy memory at my side.
Can’t touch the beautiful pink parade
Until, at last, the last breath has passed you by.

Fourteen hungry children with violet lashes,
Moistened lips and slobbering slobby silence.
I can’t forget forever.
The life-path guides me; I have no hold.
His breathing is a rhythm but not soothing to me.
I feel so alone when he is here but asleep and
Pounding in my veins.

Yesterday laughs and screams.
The quiet putrid pathetic call
Has no pride or exotic flavor.
Why can’t it come back to me?  Back.  Come.  Come back.

A fistful of aching tulips falls at my feet.
Faded heart reach me and tell me where to leap.
Cannot you hear?  Racy violent eyes with struggling patience and gratitude unfelt.
Somewhere along the shore, a stranger waits to guide the reins; to take the fighters into the abysmal rhythm where only lonely souls can go.
It’s hot hatred at the door now.  Lurking.
Always.
The unsettled darkness and heavy tears haunt me still.  But be still, my lover.  All will be well.  When shadows float away, the reins will be mine, and the rain will be our friendly, facile greeting.  I love your soul and mind.  Thank you to the body that keeps them alive.

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The void in the separation of the blinds.
Somewhere beyond and
Somewhere below,
The echoes of the shade are
Pursuing my tolerance.
Cold hands and empty breath.
The need for shelter and warmth sends
My lungs into panic.
I know how you feel.
I know you feel me.
Can’t it be now?  Only 8 cries from
The clock have passed since our last
Touch.
Where you are now and if you’re
Thinking of me, I can’t know.
But the other sense is the final escape
And is all I can and am able to grasp
Until your hand is in mine.

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Seven corpses and a leather flower.
All that are growing in my brain
Like an unwanted fever and scalping
Scissors.  The lack of perception
Into all that is unknown.
Calling for heaven or gold
And I’m racing towards the end
With a loaded knife.
Squeeze your mind.
No chances left to erase what you call home.
Secrets and circumstances.
Throw away the last serpent’s tail.
Bite the ripeness and remember who
You want to be tomorrow.

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My hand is extended and the
Knot tightens over my eyes.
No clues for me and a
Shaky stop for you.
Flying over your house of happiness and there’s no way to land.
Each time it passes by as I search for the light and Only enter a tunnel.  A scarred fence is all I have.
I’m alone.
The fence has been strong and it’s done its job for me.
Finally, you got inside, but now it’s too late.


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Out.  Away.
This Life is left behind:
A failure;
Doomed from the moment it began.
Instead of a boost, it carried me through an evil cave with sadness to follow around every corner.
Believe.
No one really changes but everyone thinks they do.

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Should I be sorry?  What’s perfect?
Not I, how I see you see me, you see?
Characteristics are qualities; not flaws.
Character is personality; not separation,
And not isolation.
Let’s be friends, because You are You're
Not Mister Print.  Get my hint?

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DIGGING IN AN ALPHABET GRAVEYARD.
CHRONOLOGICALLY MIXED UP.
U PROCRASTINATE WHILE YOU GET THINGS DONE.
AND YOU’RE HUNGRY ON A FULL STOMACH.
YOU SLOW ME DOWN.  YOU SHOW ME HOW.
IT’S A SWEET, SWEET BEDSHEET ON THE FLOOR
WHEN THE SHOVEL’S STUCK IN THE DOOR.
ANY INSIGNIFICANT IMPORTANCE TO YOU IS BLACK SUNSHINE FOR ME.
BEFORE YOU POP YOUR BALLOON, DEFLATE IT, MAN.

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April 6, 1994
Blowing on ashes in a pipe-cleaner world.
I should get out of bed today.
Maybe.  Maybe not.
One more cheer for breathing.
What can be done?
The battle’s been fought.  Only one more for the road.  One more.
That’s all, every time.
Strange, the way they work, isn’t it?
My little plastic shadows, do as you’re told.
Fax me a few more to be stapled to the wall of normals!
I’ll send some to T.V. and newspapers and the Sears catalogue.
So happy being you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and……….

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Follow the Breathlessness
Bleeding subconscious: It’s all I breathe now.
The unknown is all we all belong to.
A curl in the lock of time.
Wondrous caress.
Softness on your tongue and the
Taste of desperate lies.
Nipples of subtle longing.
Vague and unaware in their strain to freedom.
Drunken desire
And a lashing stranger in my room.
Closer, colder, longer, harder.
Madness painted in my eyes
And Jim is here.
Needles prick into my wet soul.
Spies in the corners,
Scratching for a hint of life.
Spirit overflows,
Gasps.  Escape.
Tripping through oceans,
Falling on stars, and filling up your throat
With frozen ecstasy.
Swallow whole and hold your growth
Until the echo returns.

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Somewhere under the deserted nothing is a lazy and lonely helpless undertaker with nothing to do but nothing.  The clouds are falling in layers of gold and blue, but they sadly go unnoticed by the undertaker lying in the smothered dirt.
Somewhere above the clouds, golden blue, is a suffocating broken child with a single tear waiting to drop from its tender fleshy cheekbones.  A slow spit of wind freely carries this tear to a shadowed home beneath the clouds.  The journey of the tear is quiet and swift as it ducks beneath a green feather and falls to the weeping earth.
The world cries for a tiny piece of muscle and bone that sleeps upon it, which wears nothing but nothing.  This fragile speck, the undertaker, catches the tear on her eyelash and it sneaks into her bright, violet, empty eyeball.  The undertaker, feeling and thinking nothing at all, swallows the tear with her eyelids and covers it to keep it safe and warm inside.
The tear’s new dwelling is one of dark folded mystery, like your best friend’s diary.  Tear knows it shouldn’t search for reason or answers here, but it’s cursed and pushes forward.  A maze of veins and sweat enclose the tear, circling, tripping, struggling to be free.  This is a maze to go into . . . into.  An infinite trip of agony, hell, and pain become the tear’s final destiny.  A tear which once belonged to a broken, suffocating child should not have escaped.  But, now it is too late.  The undertaker carries it forever and for ever with a wet empty heart to handle it like nothing matters, and nothing will ever change.


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October, 1993
What is the beginning?
Is it a flower of truth;
A grain on the way to hell?
Touch it and all is lost – 
Where does everything go?
It’s in me; it’s a rebirth.
The freedom of a new experience.
But why is the pain so strong?
I’m waiting for signs,
But I can’t.
Be Yourself!
It’s easy now; it’s too easy now.
It scares me.  Help.
I’m losing it all.  I feel
The liquid drain through me – 
It puts me to sleep.
The music’s over.
To get back to reality is impossible.
I’ll stay here forever.


∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

October 20, 1993
FALL INSIDE
Blind my fall.
Slow into your love.
See where you lie,
You lie.
Is my fall inside?
Give me your hand.
I’m holding my life.
I’m holding lies
With my fears.
Kiss him – 
You just land inside.
Time.  Right.  Why?
Is my fall inside?
Who slows my fall?
You land inside me,
Did you lie inside me?
Right.  Why.  How?
Make you lovesick.
Did you love inside me?
Right.  Why.
You make me sick.
Is your love inside me?
Right.  Time.  Why?

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

A monstrous mass of pulverized meat is my brain.

“For seventeen minutes”, the sergeant said.  Squeeze his face until the juices flow.  I want no more except for the glass and delicate piece of hope.  Take it all.  Take it all from a full spread morbid ocean of ice.  It's a maze now.  The happiness agrees and it's not an end.  Good to go.  Go - be good.

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

Five thousand separate pistols
Aiming at my door.
Nothing to lose but I still move toward...
Shadows fall on the concrete
Along with my head.
Aching and longing fill my chest.
Desire for breath is still there,
Yet the pull to escape can’t compare.
Alone with myself.
It’s all a lie.
But screaming pitchforks prod at my back.
Suggestion to stay is met with remorse.
I’m fighting no more so I open the door.
It's been fun, but who gives a fuck?


∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

Shall we travel into the zone? 
Ah!  The Fucking Zone.
Reality jerked off in my face
And now I can spin relentlessly to Spit-Land.
Cords cover the consciousness.
Forget meaning and puddles where wet hands fill their faces.
Coming forward to hold the heat and steaming heart of my lover.
Not all is lost
But some can’t wait.
Before you go, take a stiff glance and give a horrid dance.
For my life begins a minute ago.
The mortal I be can’t stop the living I see.
Fuck you.  I won’t hold your cold stupid fingers.  I won’t follow you away from here.  
Correct me if you must, but take your ass & your fucking trust.
Go away.  I'm old and sad.

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

Somewhere out of space.
Purple meaning and unwanted suffering.
Pushing away and never lost.
Forth into the strange new place.
Wind through my eyes, clear the view.
A journey for us; not alone.
We can see it ahead of time.
Never felt this before.
Both holding the railing tight and falling further down with each event.
It's all for you.  Hold me close - hold your promise.


∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

As plain as pillows.
Fast as paper red walls.
Send such eager belief for sordid calling.
Apple colored flesh for 
Demanding puppets.
Scream out your name and hit the last note.
I can’t remember pain. 
Shields up around me flashing the reflected light.
Yellow square, punctured metal.
My head bows and my stance is proud,
Awaiting the next desire.
The door is painted red around the frame.
Passion still, hot blood pushes through tunnels.
Clasp our hands and turn to face behind us. 
Finally I see it; I think it was always there.
Beautiful charade: The wicked endeavour for hard hearts. 

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

April 20
Something above me, pulling the strands.
Control beyond my hands.
You’re the door.
I’ll meet you there in the threshold.
Purest vanity, selfless courage.
I take from you what I need the most.
A belt on the tree for a dreary host.
Push it in, the branch wears thin

Until the void is null and gone.
Call all the shots.

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

April 21
Take hold of genuine sureness and fearless thoughts.
You are so lucky.
A twist in a page in time.  The corner bent for a reminder.
Wrote the book.
Punishing me for wry awareness.
Constant reluctance and short journey.
Bring me to the boat and spin the water.
A spiral of red and green with changes like a dream.

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

He’s slapping his way through a misty tunnel.
Like a rocket blasting off; like a rabbit going home.
Familiar surroundings but a new feeling this time.
He’s never ready; especially this time. 
This time he’s strangling but can’t escape.
This time there’s more fear than pleasure.
But he can’t stop himself.
His curiosity overpowers the pain.  
It hurts.
It hurts.
At last he finds what he knew he’d been looking for the whole time.
A long climb but it was way up at the highest point he could imagine.
It’s a dream.  It’s the sweetest chocolate on his tongue.
And it sits there until it all slowly melts away.  
He forgot it was so good.

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

Wild putrid heart.
Collapsed and hardened in a colorless mass of lifelessness.
A little sweet rejection always tastes better with wine.
A fistful of spit in the face can add to a slice of hate.
Time to swallow hard and bite into bitter anguish.
And time to finish off the rest of a bowl of suffering.
I quit eating.
Take a sip of reality.
You're not serving anymore.

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

Court of a balding basketball player. 
Finally breathing, still lifeless.
Cordial meeting and forceful slap.
Meager blow to the musician. 
Deserves less than that.
Push away your fixed glare and turn a smile to an ample reward.
Giving and taking for shifts in gears.
Pulled into smart worlds.
Fine and new for a heartless girl.
I can’t be here; it must be a dream.
All too real but hard to believe.
Takes me away with his faith in me.
Somewhere between grandiose echoes and heightened screams.

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

April 7, 2002
I feel the everlasting tug.
A branded emotion never to be lifted.  
Cause of such resolution.
The stage is set.
Here in high pitched solace, the new one takes notice.
Hold my hand when you cross over.
A friend to me for a while.
Smile and tell me the news.
Forty one clocks and a spinning dime.
Killing time for a gifted mime.
Can the gratitude and give me what I need.
Truth is all around us.


∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

Brains and mattresses.                                                                                      
Shortened stillness, fevered climb.
Penetrate the unknown and lock the globe.
Flows out of me like gusting wind.
Inseparable pain drifting on water
Into a lost place where angels live.
We join here and never return.
Souls unite for eternity.
Thank you for this.
It's what I've been waiting for.

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

Palpable purity.
Sinned with the worst of words.
I’ve never stopped staring.
The eyes of space are all about me, longing for endurance.
Candid indifference and lonely heart.
Art will relieve some ache.
Shout to me with resolution.  The sun always tells my song.
A musical master fulfilling the journey.
Please be there with me.
I cordially invite you to join me when the fever breaks and the clock is wound.
A sincere wish from me to you.
Desire weeds through the pages.


∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

March 21, 1996 12:28am
Pressing my legs.
Hurts.  Hurts.
Where is forever now?
Leading to a place not forgotten but holding the hand of a man unsaid.
Believe me now.
Hear the prowl.
Over for a while but not lost.
Taken with lust and beauty too strong.
Talk sweet.
Sweet cheap words for my beautiful child.
A dog creeps up my back to tell me what is wrong.
It licks my neck and shoulder with hot furtive breath.
But wait.
Awake.  Awake.
It’s better.  Much better.
Although the lingering fear holds me here, I will ignore it until a patient sun rises again.


∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

Shadowless sunland quenches my thirsty breath.
Gasping for hope.  Pretend it's open away.
Comfortable eerie longing.

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

May 24, 1996 12:49am
Strange and new yet very old.
Shadows mean more.
Grateful to less.
Are you here with me?
See the rest in colors of words.
Your hand and the heat exchanged is like breath in the cold.
Shelter me.  I'm here with you.

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

 
May 7, 1996 1:16am

NEW

Far lost somewhere is the scattered sheet.
I pray and swallow the boiling blunderball until sharp pans kill my ears.
Scant fearless pennies circle around my feet
Rolling and laughing at their subtle yet lethal control over me.
I have no time.
Shall I run or fall into an empty pit where all is unknown and secret?
Plots and babies scare me.
But near to my head I hold a heart like mine.
And near to my heart he stays and keeps me living in joy for long after dawn.
The young ones sleep.
A train in the ocean would be nice.

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

May 25, 1996 11:01AM
Send me away for a while.
Shuttle-ship share with me.
It’s hard when it’s too easy to believe.
I can’t fight anymore.
Monsters lurking, waiting for food.
Sometimes the walk is lonely but safe for the need it feeds.
Only in my head.
Why only lonely in my bed?
Short disastrous glances pierce my nerves.
The taste, the smell; they’re nothing tonight.
To force the feeling is a phony promise.
My heart aches for truth, trust, and reason.
But my body is numb from the fear and the worry.
Simplicity does not exist in any story.
But utter confusion is torture.
Leave me be.
Leave me for the season.
I’d rather float away dead than live with the pain in my head.

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

Death/Love
It makes you numb,
Your heart stops beating.
You can't breathe.
You can't think.
You can't see.
You're not on Earth anymore.
You're in Heaven.
(Don't let him in; he does not come in kindness).

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

Water/Love
When I'm in it, I lose my breath.
I'm refreshed when I drink it.
It cleanses me inside and out.
It showers over me and hits me at times like a wave.
Your love is like water.
I drown in it and float on it as we glide up and down stream.
Sometimes is gets in my eyes and makes me cry, but sometimes it washes my tears away.
Most of all, your love is clear and pure; a never-ending supply.

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

LOST
I lost my breath
When I first met you.
I lost my patience
When you upset me.
I lost my temper
When you said,
"I lost my head
When I did that."
I lost my hearing
When I quit listening to you.
I lost you.


∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

AUGUST 23, 1999

Shaking off the skirted lie.
Begin the resin blotted sky.
Fork my blood-longing forth.
For all the good subtle ugly worth.
Can do.  Can do.
See you soon,
Hing Sai Loo.
Cutting board cookie-face
Plastered into sickening place.
Take away to Sunblock-Land
I’ll be the bell in your hand.
Can do.  Can do.
See you soon,
Hing Sai Loo.

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

September 30, 1994
Beautiful Black Happiness when I think of you.
It’s not what you say or portray; it’s what you do.
We can be what you want:
Two floating clouds merging into one.
Into me you are a piercing joyful jolt.
GIVE YOU GIVE ME GIVE YOU GIVE ME.
Equal experience in a scented seductive collage.
Sharing our bodies and souls, but our minds don’t connect.
It’s the best way to give back all that you get.
Lovers and not friends.
But I keep what you lend.
HOLD ME HOLD YOU HOLD ME HOLD YOU.
I love you love I love you love you.
This is our love and the way we show it.
We love ourselves more than each other and we’re happy to know it.  Isn’t love beautiful?

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

Love & Mary (Jane)
One has come to keep me.
One has come to share his days with me.
Being here is so unlike the

pictures.
The petals drop and the straws

divide.
Each day brings a new birth.
Parts of the yolk uncovered which I never knew were there.
As it drains so easily, it also struggles to find meaning.
Seeping and searching for a home and a purpose.
It has been lifeless for so long; there is so much ignorance.
How to exist?
Who is best to keep its survival strong?

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

BUT I COULDN’T

CAN YOU FEEL THE THROB? 

ANGRY THIRSTY MOB

PLUNGE INTO MY SAD DECAY,

MORBID REAL; FORWARD TO THE PLANE.

UP OVER CANVAS FIELDS

OF SHAKEN PLACID FORGIVENESS

O.K., IT’S A GO.

PLANET OF LOVE FOR THE DEMENTED EYES.

A COURSE MEAL TO HEAL THE CORPSE.

I FELL INTO THE CARDINAL HEAT, 

I FEEL YOUR GLASS LEAVES.

PURPLE SKY, YOGA GUY.

COME TO THE PARTY;

IT’S ONLY 2 DOORS AWAY!

I PLAYED FOR YOU A LONG PLEA OF DISMAY.

AGONY ON CAMPING GROUNDS,

BITTER BUTTERED YELLOW MOUND.

SHOULD HAVE DROPPED THE PENCIL, 

SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE PEOPLE. 

OPEN YOUR MOUTH FOR THE NEXT SURPRISE.

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

Proper petals stay with me

Candid tricks and

Ominous masks.

Always searching, never more; not more than a mantis’ dish.

Aching lung and petty heart.

Hoping for a scolded wing.

For fresh efforts talk to me.

I can wait.

Sliding through the sky

Where high lanterns shine.

Snaking around clouds

And hanging from vines.

Can angels hold hands?

Breath is hot and furtive.

Scandalous horns blow like tracheal submissions.

I know the darkness now.

Black water comes in waves.

Icy stars and lucid wind.

Hold me back; the flood will follow.

Can’t run away.  Push the recognition into hate. 

Displeasure for you now.

My fist is like a gnarled tree.

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

Sandwiched between reality and the unknown.
I’m indifferent; always eating myself.
I love subconscious.

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°

Your shoulders drop and I’m watching you.
Your hands fold up your back and caress your neck.
You fall back into your bed and I’m watching you.
I can feel your skin shivering and your pulse in sync with mine.
Let me be your blanket and a warm bath over you.
Come watch me too, where we’re watching you. 
Black replay before today.

∘˚˳∘˚˳°°✧°•.¸.• ♡•.¸¸.•♡♡•.¸¸.•♡•.¸.•°✧∘˚˳°∘˚˳°